Why does a women want to dominate a man?

I have found on information about who can dominate who (e.g. women can dominate a man), what female domination is, where women can dominate a man, when women can dominate a man, how women can dominate a man, but I have not really found information on WHY a woman wants to dominate men. For me, it is a very natural thing that a man is dominated by a woman (especially in a BDSM context), but I do not really understand why some women want to do this.

Therefore, my question: are there dominant women out there who can help me understand why they dominate a man (in a BDSM context)? What is it that you get out of it psychologically, physically, socially

I realize that the answers can be very idiosyncratic, but that is ok for me. Any insight on why it is that you women want to dominate a man (or men) might help me in better understanding it and hence could help me (and others) in better serving my (their) Female Dominant.


Thank you upfront for sharing your insights.

Answers :

  • Uh….because it’s fuckin’ hot? Because I’m wired that way? You might as well as why a gay man wants to have sex with another man instead of with a woman. He’s just wired to find that (and nothing else) sexually exciting, and you’re not going to turn him straight by telling him that what he likes isn’t normal.

I can’t speak for everyone in the lifestyle, but for me it’s not a conscious choice that I made because I thought it was cool or politically correct or what have you. I’m flat out hardwired this way, on a primal and instinctive level that I would be unable to change even if I wanted to. Which I don’t; I have a very healthy and fulfilling poly relationship with two wonderful, beautiful submissive men whose wiring is perfectly complementary to mine. We make each other very happy.

As to “natural”…..take a closer look at recent behavioral research in our species as well as other social mammals. Female dominance is a strategy that in the past has failed to be noticed or accurately recognized by early researchers in part because of their cultural filters and in part because it is not typical of the same unsubtle character as male dominance. But modern scholars with more objective protocols are describing it as a successful behavioral strategy with much greater frequency. It is indeed very “natural”, as it occurs in nature with impressive regularity.

Asking why someone is hardwired to be dominant or submissive or gay or bi or straight or transgender probably doesn’t have a single answer. Neurobiology and brain chemistry, especially in the developmental stage, is very likely to have something to do with it. A formative environment may have an influence as well. The bottom line is that people really do end up with different hardwiring for what turns them on, and it’s not a conscious choice.

  • Domination gives me a strong sense of closeness with my submissive male(s). When he agrees or seeks to be dominated by me, it is an “invitation to dance” in a very intense way. Of course, it stimulates me. As the intensity of his stimulation rises (conisder the double meaning of that), so does mine. I want to stimulate him for several reasons:

It enhances my sense of rightness, power, and beauty
He flatters me to be very aroused.
I get aroused by getting him aroused.
Using that logic, it is a bit overwhelming to see so many little men offer themselves to me as submissives. My intensity is too strong to spread it around, but a few intense flirting sessions with other men do brighten my day. With just a well-chosen word or gesture, I can get some men erect and turn them into little puppy dogs that follow me around.

  • I can’t say what its like for everyone, but one instance comes to mind that forever answered that question for me.

I remember one time when I was tied up by a lover flat on her four poster bed. She had sexually tortured me for hours one night and then well into the following day without release.

She was lying next to me on the bed with her body draped over mine and she was toying with my nipple (something she knew drove me wild). I was straining to get some contact, because after being brought to the edge of orgasm so many times, I was truly desperate and sobbing with the intensity of my feelings.

She looked at me and in a very gentle, sadistic voice said to me, “You know why I like dominating you?” I could only mutter between the sobs as she continued to tease/torture my nipple. “Its because you surrender to me knowing that I am going to take you to places that are going to make you uncomfortable, even distressed on some level…and you do it willingly, even beseechingly.”

She gave me the most devastating, sensuous kiss that lasted for what seemed liked hours then…stole my breath away and my heart. I remember thinking that I was in heaven as I watched her divine ass walk out of the room as she left me to contemplate what she had done to me.

  • To get what I want and to make men putty in my hands…and because the cruelty makes me content. Men think they can get over on us, but a big surprise when it isnt that way and I exploit them where they are weak and show them how incompetent they can be and force them into the lowly position that they deserve…
  • It’s not clear whether you mean why would ANYONE want to be the Dominant in a personal D/s relationship, or why a woman would want to be the Dominant in a personal D/s relationship.

My reason is the same as any Dom’s reason, male or female. It’s how I am.

Whether it’s nurture or nature is another story – I personally believe that it’s a combination. I think some of us are born with the Dom gene and then our upbringing and all of our life experiences either encourage or suppress that natural leaning.

And for what it’s worth, cruelty, sexual teasing and all of that is hot – but it’s not what Dominance is about. To me it’s about being in charge, every day, and with regard to all things great and small, hot and boring.

  • I like control. It makes me feel centred and calm. I also get my kicks from it sexually.

For me, it’s a positive way to channel my evil intent – to harness my “dark side” 🙂 It’s a great thing to be allowed to do that while having the full knowledge that you’re doing no harm and are actually enabling someone else’s enjoyment… if they’re deserving, that is… ;-D

  • Sort of like asking a man why do you like to f–k,an answer to a hubby from a wife when he asked if she likes sex more then he does;
    She answered when you have an itch in your ear & you put your finger in it which feels better your finger or your ear ?

To really get in touch with ones self then afterwards, anyone should be able to identify with any kink in this lifestyle. Anima is where the male should search while the women should look for their animus.
The first is Latin for ‘breath’or ‘soul’ & is the femine side of the male;while the latter is the male side of the female in Latin means ‘mind’.Both are in the psyches of the genders if one was to search ‘hard’ enough.
I know Native tribal chiefs use to teach their siblings that in everyone is a little boy/girl;a young man/woman & an old man/woman. The question here really has to do with the person asking not being in touch within his/her soul.
Normally (which my friends would tell ya I’m never in that ‘normal’state) I try to feel for peoples energy at meetings whether at lifestyle or vanilla. I am very sensitive to how deep a person is however not going to judge him/her.

Why is a dom a dom a sub a sub a guy a guy a queer etc. these labels we assign are just a word to use not always in character with that person at any given time.

  • First of all, let me thank everybody who did the effort to respond to the posting.

In hoping for any insight, I intentionally created, and hence agree, that the question of the posting is a broad and open-ended question, as I assumed that for many the question entails some form of complexity.

What follows is an attempt to summarize (which is by definition subjective, somethings cannot be helped) the answers to the question of the posting : “are there dominant women out there who can help me understand why they dominate a man (in a BDSM context)? What is it that you get out of it psychologically, physically, socially, …”

The answers to the first part of the question of ‘why women want to dominate a man (in a BDSM context)’ seems to vary in a figure/background perspective from:
• getting what I want/receiving what the other gives’ motivation often related to a more fixed dominating ‘role’ also in vanilla life
up until
•a ‘receiving what the other gives/getting what I want’ motivation often related to a more flexible ‘role’, depending on what the other needs (in a bdsm context)

The answer to the reasons why the above happens varies from nature to nurture.

Up until now, only a few answers were able to give some insight into the sub-question (haha): “What is it that you get out of it psychologically, physically, socially, …”.
CFNM, sitting on his knees
•Psychologically: it might enhance a sense of being centered, calm, content, justice, right, powerful, beautiful, close to somebody, intensity, flattered, … potentially as a result of receiving very intimate (physical) feedback, satisfying curiosity, channeling the evil intent in a positive way …
•Physically: it might create a sense of (sexual) arousal.
•Socially :

Personally, I believe there is much more to say, so please feel free dominant women to correct, add, and share what it is that you get out of dominating a men. It can only help male subs in better serving their Female Dominant or in getting what you want.

For now I want to thank especially, @Aberrant_Goddess, @greeneyedLady, @Chores4U, @MsAmorphous, and @GcupBitch for helping me in better understanding why a women wants to dominate a man (in a bdsm context)

  • I want to dominate my partner because it’s the only relationship type that fulfills me. I’m just not happy without that dynamic. It’s a lot easier and makes me feel more complete when both parties are open and understand their roles, instead of just vanilla dating someone who is a submissive type. In the long run, a true submissive is actually a more confidant and well rounded partner than a simple submissive type as well.

I’m talking about everything, in the bedroom, outside, when they have openly and with complete understand GIVEN that control up rather than subconsciously falling into the role, the entire relationship just feels right. As my boy often tells me (and forewarned with this statement, he is very service orientated submissive) it is his job to make my life easier. I consider it my job to make his life better, through the power exchange dynamic, so the two mixing together often makes the whole shebang run smoothly.

If you were asking about actual play, not the complete dynamic, then my only answer is it gets me hot. Play is what hits my kinky buttons, the relationship dynamic is what keeps me moving forward.

  • Dominating men has just sort of happened, for Me. I am naturally a leader. I am also Sadistic at times. I enjoy a male submissive’s pain. For me, it is not as much sexual as it is a power rush.
    As far as dominating a male instead of a female, I was asked once, “Why do you dominate men, if you are a lesbian?” I answered “Becaue I cannot punch my female submisives in the balls.”
    Simple enough…LOL
  • Because it is in my nature…not just sexually, but in all aspects of who I am. I find, however, that I need to have a partner that I can dominate, but also has a Dom side as well for me to be with him long term. My partner is a switch. I enjoy the power exchange. The level of respect that is given is amazing to me.
  • Perplexing to me is why women are attracted to men at all, sans the ever present hierophanies resembling Greek gods – mostly in underwear ads or gay magazines. I don’t say that out of negativity – at all, rather it just exemplifies how it is near impossible to understand the wiring of another unless you are so wired. In my relationship, the sexual D/s component elicits a passion for both of us that dwarfs the energy experienced in vanilla sex. The actions are but a manifestation of the energy exchange.

I tried for way too long to get my ahead around the why, figuring on some level that would garner me a better ability to please my partner (and control). What I learned from that exercise was to turn off the cerebellum and stick with the brain stem. Interesting, to me anyway, is that rather than a theoretical understanding, I’m now becoming ever more intuitive.

For example, on several occasions, my dominant has been trying to do something that wasn’t quite working for her. I responded with a change of position, etc., or even suggestions like “I think this…,” and the gleam in her eye was worth a thousand words.

  • Being in a “female-led relationship” is just a natural kind of thing for me; I always wanted to be self-sufficient and I enjoy being more “in charge.” I have a lot of female peers who are like this also, but they are 100% NOT kinky.

The kinky femdom side of me – whether or not it’s related to my female-led-relationship side – is 100% primal and tied into my sensuality as well as my sexuality. As far back as I can remember.

First kisses for me were always accompanied by hair pulling, light bondage, roleplaying. I find male fear, vulnerability and helplessness to be absolutely intoxicating. I get a bonafide “high” from having a man submit himself willingly to me so that he can endure things he finds painful, degrading or unthinkable. I find that to be the ultimate act of devotion and sacrifice. It makes my skin tingle and gets me extremely excited — both sexually and emotionally.

Why do I get off on this so much? Why do I have an actual burning “need” for it, if it’s been a certain number of days since a man surrendered to me? Why do I almost feel predatory or like a vampire or some kind of animal with a weird drive, insatiable “hunger” to taste something? Why does it seem like it might go away after I get my fill, but it always comes back? How many times in my late teens and 20s did I journal, “Oh, I think I got over that kinky stuff…I think I am done with it, but it was awesome” – only to find myself some days later thinking, “Oh my god, I love that, I miss it, and I have to do it again!”

If I knew the answer, I’d be sharing it. I honestly don’t know. Nothing in my childhood was weird, there’s no one experience that stands out. I find male submission to be absolutely exhilarating and I can’t get enough of it. The visuals, the sounds, the breathing, the adrenalin, the rush. Mostly because he’s so hot, so willing, so capable, so eager to suffer for me – what’s not to love about that?

  • I realize that in a summary the nuance and uniqueness of each answer often disappear. I apologize for upfront if somebody feels mistreated because of it, that is not my intention. At the same time, a summary can also prevent information (and effort) los. Hence, for both reasons you can find below my final attempt to summarize the answers to the question of the posting: “are there dominant women out there who can help me understand why they dominate a man (in a BDSM context)? What is it that you get out of it psychologically, physically, socially, …”

The answers to the first part of the question of ‘why women want to dominate a man (in a bdsm context)’ seems to vary in a figure/background perspective from:
• getting what I want/receiving what the other gives’ motivation often related to a more fixed dominating ‘role’ also in vanilla life
up until
•a ‘receiving what the other gives/getting what I want’ motivation often related to a more flexible ‘role’, depending on what the other needs (in a bdsm context)

The answer to the reasons why the above happens varies from nature to nurture.

Turning to the sub-question: “What is it that you get out of it psychologically, physically, socially, …”.

•Psychologically:
•it might enhance a sense of being centered, calm, in control,
powerful, respected, just, right, intense, close to somebody, sensual, flattered, beautiful, content, joyous, in a fun state, …
•potentially as a result of receiving very intimate, honest (physical) feedback and/or emotions (e.g. fear, whimpering, squirming, blushing, erectness, …) from him
•which might come from his capability to (voluntary, eager) endure physical and/or psychological discomfort (pain, vulnerability, helplessness, compliance, …) (for Her)
•which can be the result of satisfying curiosity (together) (e.g. to cross boundaries), channeling Her evil intent in a positive way, …

•*Physically *: it might create a sense of (sexual) arousal, (adrenalin) rush, …

• Socially: the mutual openness and clear roles, might create a sense of fulfillment as a result of reciprocal completeness, …

Obviously, if there are dominant women who to share what it is that you get out of dominating a men, please feel free to do so. I believe it can only help male subs in better serving their Female Dominant or in getting what you want.

  • After experimenting with being a Dominant to my husband’s submissive on and off for several years, I have had many opportunities to ponder this very same question. “Why would a woman want to dominate a man?” Not just in the BDSM aspect of the relationship, but at all? I have come to several conclusions now that we are living a 24/7 FemDomme relationship that encompasses our whole relationship–as sexually, disciplinary, and interpersonally.
    First of all, let me start by saying, that in my experience with most men in general, they need to be led in the direction of how best to interact with others in society. I find that men are often when left to their own devices, socially inept, self-centered and crass. So the first reason I desire to dominate men is that it helps them to learn and better understand how to get along in a world where good manners are expected.
    Secondly, I find that men have several communication issues that they need help with. They are often put in the role as momma’s boys of expecting someone to read their mind to know what they want and if they don’t get it, they get petulant and rude. By dominating a man, I can punish him for this passive-aggressive behavior and teach him (train him) in better ways of communicating in order to ask for and possibly get what he needs/wants.
    Thirdly, I do indeed get a tremendous amount of sexual gratification out of dominating a man. When I have a man OTK or bound and tied to my bed, the sense of exhilaration and sexual arousal goes way beyond what words can describe. I find it very hot to cause a man discomfort simply because I can–the fact that he is getting pleasure out of it as well, nay even asked for this, just adds to the hotness. It’s like feedback loop in the body, the more he grovels and seems to be getting fulfilled from my domination, the more I want to dominate and therefore do, and the more satisfaction he and I both get. So I consider it a win/win situation.
    Finally, it just feels right. Women are so much more intuitive than men. I think a woman has a much better sense of just how far she can push a male submissive into his deeper needs and desires without causing any harm…ie she knows instinctively just how far to take the power exchange so that both parties get what they want.
    And in the end, it is just satisfying to have my submissive man say “yes maam” to me knowing that he trusts me to have both his and my best interests at heart….that level of trust is truly an honor to receive and I treat it with a great deal of respect.

So I guess to sum up my answer, I am wired this way and I get a great deal of satisfaction out of seeing a man make himself uncomfortable to further my pleasure, but on a deeper sense, I think a man needs to be dominated by a female, so I am actually meeting both our needs by taking on this role and further deepening our relationship and sense of commitment to one another.

Last Updated on 3 months by pseudonymous

Posted in Q&A