Help me out here girls… I have a sub who I enjoy playing with and enjoy having around me, except he lives in my home with my husband and his girlfriend, and “we three” are all a decade older than my sub. We are at a point in our lives were we “get” the idea of the value of a tidy house, the idea of doing the little things now, before they pile up, the value of “clean” and the value of harmony in purpose for a family (be it D/s or otherwise).
My boy sub is a “gamer”, and his butt is glued to his office chair until 3 am every day. He will be starting a job soon, but I doubt that will change is non-working habits in any way. He is young, internally focused, and, frankly… lazy. He excuses his need for motivation because he doesn’t aspire to any accomplishments (other than winning the next game, evidently), he doesn’t see the value in working for a clean house, doing things before they pile up or keeping things organized.
This leads to this… as his Domme, I am responsible for motivating him, making sure he does everything, punishing him when he doesn’t and I’m finding it exhausting. I can give him tasks ad. But he will complete only the lowest requirement for each and won’t see or take the next step in any task. What I really want is for him to open his eyes, clue in and take initiative. This is something that cannot be forced onto or into someone… I fear this is going to be the end of us. I have a job with long hours and often work on the weekends.
An example: Asked to change a light bulb, another sub of mine realized the coach light itself was pretty dirty, dismantled it, brought it inside, washed it carefully with soap and water and re-hung it. That was a thoughtful and useful service that I greatly appreciated. Asked to do the same task my boy may have a) forgotten completely, causing me to have to punish him; b) done it, but left the ladder out; or c) did it right and that was all. He would not have foreseen to clean the light.
I have asked him to consider the “extras” that he could do… but he’s not getting it. He will make my bed as asked and ignore the sweater on the floor, he will put out my glass of water for bedtime, but ignore my overflowing garbage can.
I had a lengthy discussion with my sub yesterday and, although he was hurt and defensive, we were able to come to some consensus, which I would like to share for the benefit of any others finding this post and having similar problems:
- Firstly, one of the most attractive things about him, his laid back, relaxed, gentle personality is what attracted him to me in the first place. His bashful submissive head bow, his mannerisms, his response to my touch, and the fact that his greatest reward was just to lay contentedly in my arms… all appealed to the Goddess in me who appreciates a votary whose the highest reward is just to be in my presence. Being reminded of this fact is important because it is the very same attitude that has led to some of the underlying problems to date. Laidback and relaxed can also come across as lazy and uncaring. Especially when it comes to chores.
- Secondly, I still do very much appreciate the moments of calm and peace I enjoy with him when all the chores are done, the play is finished, and the world is shut out for a short while. They bring me to balance as I am an overachieving, overcommitted, overworked woman (as so very many of us Type A, in-charge-of-our-world Dommes are). I do not want to lose this balancing element in my life. I have other subs who are diligent, work-a-holics who would do, do, do themselves to death.
- Most importantly, we discovered the core problem beneath my efforts to encourage him to better and more thoughtful service: He felt that all in the house are constantly judging him and asking him to change himself (as we have focused on his attitude about it and not necessarily the outcomes). Where he has succeeded we have moved on to the next thing and taken what he has learned and practiced for granted. Ultimately, I do not want to change his heart or his attitude really… as above, they are important to me. I do, however, wish to change his HABITS. He is willing but untrained. He wishes me to be happy, even at his expense. He has proven again and again that gaming does NOT come first to him, as he will get up and do whatever is asked of him. We discussed the matter of time as well, I am not asking for hours of his time, I am asking for small little habits added onto his life that take moments to do. Picking up a sweater takes 2 seconds… when you are walking right by that sweater and the hamper anyhow.
- Lastly, he agreed that some of the attitudes and life-approach changes I am asking for (to actually change him internally) are necessary in his life for some of his own goals. He wants children someday, learning cleaning and organizational habits now will make him better prepared for those life goals.
- He has committed to set aside time each day to walk around the house with a consciously critical eye to see if there are any little tasks he can do. A good idea! I have committed to paying attention to what he is getting right and not creating an environment of “learned helplessness” where you feel as though you cannot do anything right, so why do anything at all?
Bottom line – there is much to be worked with here and it is important to keep in mind what I am trying to accomplish: a more diligent mind, an eye for detail, and a thoughtfulness within his tasks. None of those things require him to really be less relaxed or laid back. They can be accomplished by habits, which are not always requiring huge internal change, but a simple external action.
Hopefully, he recognizes that the changes needed to “fit in” in our household are not truly burdensome or unnecessary, but are easily done and reflect his willingness and heart to make others happy, which ultimately are some of his most attractive and beautiful character traits. These simple actions are an easy way to demonstrate the things within himself that he wants others to know: that he DOES indeed care and that he IS trying to change his habits.
- Have you thought of giving him a detailed list of things he has to do every day to your satisfaction before he’s allowed to play his games? Perhaps getting him into a routine and then adding things as they come up will help…It seems that he values his games over service to you, and taking that away from him might help focus him.
- I’ve thought of that, but it still places on the responsibility on me for his choices. And, I can’t possibly know and list everything that could be done… like if I left my coat on the handrail last nigth or not. I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of thinking for him. He is basically a grown up child… by his age my son was already 8 and I’d been with my husband for 9 years. The things that make us grow up he doesn’t have in his life… he has suffered no major illness, has no children, has no responsibility for anyone other than himself and governs his life accordingly. Playing games all day makes him happy, and he sees no reason to change his life if his life makes him happy. He will do things I ask because he wants to make me happy, but he just doesn’t seem to see the obvious “next step” that would show that heart of service and careful attention to aiding his Mistress. I’m not sure how to garner that change of attitude/focus.
- Hate to say it, but I’ve never been able to be even vaguely happy in a relationship with a person like this. You can’t really fix them or change them, because at a fundamental level they’re not that into you. The passion isn’t there to serve you and please you. He may be kinky and enjoy the benefits of a domm-ish girlfriend, but that’s likely to be the extent of his “submissive” mindset.
- The question is, do you want his rent and his company more than you want room in your life for a sub who is actually into you enough to be motivated to be obedient and pleasing? Do you want to be a toddler mommy to an adult for the rest of your life? This one probably isn’t fixable, IMO. You can change behaviors but not motivation.
- if you decide to keep the “child” treat him as one. It sounds like your punishments aren’t enough of a deterrent.
I helped raise my little brother, while my mom’s yelling and giving orders wouldn’t make him do what she wanted; I realized that since he loved his games and freedom more than anything else my threats/punishments had to get to something he needed. So if he didn’t do what I wanted, I took the power cord for the game system when I left the house.
For some reason, not being able to play his stupid games made him listen and do what I wanted.
- oh yuck. I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with that type for long, actually it would be done within a month if it hadn’t changed. Perhaps he is too young. Or selfish. Or unmotivated. Whatever the reason, he simply isn’t getting it. Take that game system away and for a long time or until he does get it. Personally I’d get rid of him. I see he pays rent but there are plenty of subs that would fill that position and contribute financially to the household as well as find and take initiative to make your life easier, vs. harder and frustrated.
- If he does anything you ask him to do, asking to do things every day instead of on the day. List the most important things that must be done by a certain time. Inform him that inspections may be done at any time to make sure they are done, and anything missed will result in a loss of privileges. One loss would be access to the game console, another could be attention or other comforts he may take for granted.
Tell him bluntly that he must learn to be helpful and this is the way you want to do it.
- As you have asked for suggestions here are a few that come to mind quickly RESTRICT HIS ABILITY TO PLAY GAMES, based on your happiness with him doing his service to you and the house, will allow a certain amount of time to play (this includes the little extras), next if he feels unable to keep up with the house a maid will be hired at his expense. Restrain him with ball gag or something to keep him quiet while making him watch you play his games (so all he can do is watch and not comment) until his service comes up to standard. If things persist after that you could take him to an event/party and introduce him to everyone as your LAZY SUB and then he will be required to help any one and everyone that needs help, and he will not be played with at the event/party so he knows what was missed out on had he been a better submissive. Hopefully this gives you a few ideas and may open up some creativity to help get his submissive side into a proper mindset. I have plenty of other ideas if needed :-}
- Talk to him. Make sure he understands how serious the situation is, exactly what you require and what you value in a sub. Tell him what the consequenses will be if he doesn’t please you and tell him you won’t tollerate he values the game more than his service to you. Tell him he has to start getting his priorities straight: you first, game second. Last but not least ask him if it is a Domme he really wants and ask him to think about what he can offer you.
Otherwise I am sure there are other subs out there who would be very happy to be in his shoes.
Thats just my thoughts 🙂 hope it helps
- Have you tired locking his penis up? Often a sub will become very attentive when he can’t get an erection or ejaculate. Also it is a constant reminder of who owns him. Tease and denial sometimes can break the most stubborn sub of bad habits.
- Talk to him about how important this is and where it is headed if he doesn’t get with the program
Give him regular tasks, a list, check at random (be specific and include in this ‘extras’… eg. clean the toilet with x and y, mop the floor, new toilet paper if needed, etc.)
When you do ask him for something, have consequences related to his game playing if he doesn’ t make the effort to think about ‘what else’
Take away the game until he performs to your satisfaction
If none of the above works, treat him as a boarder and be done with his ‘submission’. Charge him extra if his submission was part of the agreement of him living with you
I would wager anything that when he starts his job, he will use that as an excuse (too busy, too tired etc). Frankly, I couldn’t be bothered dealing with this. If it’s not fun and joyful, I am not interested.
- I think about what games do and why people play them for a living. He likes the games because they give near instant feedback, they are challenging (but not too challenging) the regularly reward him and sometimes give him a sense of mastery and maybe even power.
Games do this for everyone, not just him, it’s part of good game design.
Most of the suggestions so far have said “Take away the games.” You can, and you certainly should, take them away some of the time. I’m not at all opposed to doing this. Some old school discipline might pay off as well. (Google rowan Atkinson fatal beatings for a fine example)
I will suggest changing the nature of the tasks you assign to be more like the tasks in the game. In a way the experienced sub who cleaned the lamp was playing a “how can I do this better” game.
Make the task list more open ended. Empty the trash, wash the dishes and feed the dog is a closed task list, no imagination required. Pick two housecleaning chores and do them in ways that delight me, and then make the dog happy too is an open task, he has to solve the problem. Let game boy figure it out. If you’re not delighted with the solution take away the games.
It takes time to get younger people past this attitude and some never do. I admire your patience and wish you luck.
- I have found that some men just need to be told what to do, exactly. My husband fits into that category. He is willing to do things around the house, but needs to be told specifically WHAT needs to be done. He really truly can look right over something and not notice it on his own, but if I say, “will you do thus and so” he’ll jump up and do it. I’ve gotten the best results by creating a list of things that need to be done, and he does them in his own time and in his own way — he just needs to know the what. But then again, he’s my husband, not my submissive. I love him enough to put up with the behavior.
I did have a sub once who was the same way, but I could not deal with the micro-management required to maintain that particular relationship. For example, I asked him one day to put some meat in the slow cooker at a certain time, and that I would be home by 5:30 to finish it up for dinner (cooking was not his forte). I was a little late getting home, and when I walked through the door, I could immediately smell burnt meat. Sub was sitting quietly on the floor next to the kitchen door, doing absolutely nothing, waiting patiently for me to get home. When I asked him why he didn’t tend to the meat, he replied, “you didn’t tell me to.” I had to wonder if the house had caught on fire, would he have grabbed a fire extinguisher or simply let the house burn down because I didn’t tell him to put out the fire? I don’t believe he was deliberately being lazy, uncooperative, etc. I think he felt that being submissive meant he was not allowed to be assertive – he was simply one who felt that as a sub, he needed to be told every little thing.
Perhaps, as others have said, clear communicaton about your expectations would help. Ask him what motivates him to be a submissive in the first place. Maybe you could gain some insight into his mindset by tasking him to write an essay on what submission means to him, what his ideal situation would be, what his goals are, etc. Positive reinforcement may help – heaping praise when he DOES do something you want him to do with little or no prompting, however trivial the task may have been. (Kind of like training a puppy — “good boy” over and over again.)
And by all means, limit the game play. I know from experience that it can be addictive! With age I’ve mellowed a lot, but it used to be that I could become so absorbed with it that I would stay up till the wee hours of the morning myself. Game time should be a reward, not an expectation on his part.
- I just had to comment on this because I have been in a similar rut myself in the past. Note that I was not in a D/S type of mindset at the time so I am unsure how helpful this would be in this case but it still may be worth looking into. This being said, I also think a D/S mindset would just have made things worse in my case. Applying a D/S relationship too strongly to everyday life could have the dangerous consequence of getting the sub to start getting tired of it all and pushing back more and more or end up with a situation similar to the one MsRonni had where you need to direct every little move even if common sense says they should have done it themselves.
Instead of adding drawbacks to try and remove unwanted behavior, have you tried not removing anything and adding positive ‘rewards’ trying to promote wanted behavior? These ‘rewards’ don’t need to be much and may not even be things one would normally think of as rewards normally, they should be things which you are uniquely placed to provide and not something that he can just get for himself through other easy sources if not granted by you (for example, do NOT go and buy him his next game as a ‘reward’ because if you don’t do it, he can still go and get it with his own money) Be creative, I’m sure you’ll find something. Isn’t creativity usually a naturally strong trait in doms? Also keep in mind that something as simple as spending more time together doing stuff you both like may even work. Yes you should give him a chance to actually do things but don’t stop doing them yourself if you see that he missed it at some point just because that is ‘his’ responsibility. Example: If you get him to proactively clean out the garbage, and you find it full at some point, lead by example and take care of it instead of trying to force him to do it. Make sure you don’t become hypocritical about things. Do not ask him to do things without actively showing you are also willing to do them, make him realize that he has much to gain if he actually does it.
Don’t create negativity for him to work against. Give him something to work towards instead and make is so that he needs to work towards it instead of being able to get the results in an easier way on his own. Games tend to give strong positive incentive to accomplishing a task and little negative punishment for not accomplishing it. I know it’s not the way the way things work in the adult world but having it applied to real life as much as possible may just be enough to give him the ‘push’ that he needs for it to become automatic.
- It seems to me that you are experiencing two seperate and distinct issues with your sub, which are present concurrently and which interact in a way which makes it seem as if it’s one problem.
The first issue is his focus on gaming, so I’ll deal with that first.
I’m a person who is both sub, and a gamer. In fact, video games (of the social kind) take up a significant part of my life, and are likely to take even more over the next few years as I will be starting an advanced diploma in video game development next week. However, I also understand that as enjoyable as playing and working with video games can be, gaming needs to have limits.
The behaviour of your sub suggests to me that his gaming has surpassed the ‘enjoyment’ phase and has now moved into the ‘compulsion’ phase. The phase where he plays because that’s what he’s accustomed to doing, and because he’s got few (or no) other pursuits on which to focus his time and energy. He may even feel so emotionally invested in the characters which he plays that it’s difficult for him to conceive that there’s a world outside of his chosen game(s). This is common among those addicted to video games, and the only way to break the cycle is to remove – or at least, severely limit his access to these video games.
However, for most people stuck in such a cycle, it’s rarely easy to see that for oneself, so enforcement of such limitations would very likely have to be an external force – which you have suggested isn’t something you feel you should have to do. This brings us to..
..the second issue, which is that your sub doesn’t seem to be intrinsicly motivated right now.
Now, lack of intrinsic motivation can be a native trait, or it can be a symptom of a mental health issue. Personally I don’t like classifying video game addiction as a mental health issue, but many of the symptoms of addiction are similar to the symptoms of depression, and in fact there tends to be a correlation between the two.
Did he seem intrinsicly motivated when you first entered the dynamic? If so, then he is very likely suffering from some form of addiction and/or depression, and possibly views his game(s) as a way to escape from the world in which he has to worry about such things as cleaning lamp covers, changing garbage bags, and listening to someone complain about how terrible his behaviour has been. Reconnecting with his intrinsic motivation in this case will mean breaking any addiction, overcoming any depression, and rediscovering the value of the relationships within your home/family.
If his lack of intrinsic motivation is a native trait, then his behaviour is unlikely to change unless there is some external force present to cause him to alter his behaviour. This external force may be reward-based, punishment-based, or it may come in the form of someone else enforcing limitations on his use of video game(s). This will require a lot of input from others in the household, and it will be a long and difficult road before lasting change occurs – if it occurs, which it very well may not.
Being an intrinsicly motivated person who has overcome some minor addictions earlier in my own life, including one that involved overplaying video games, I have learned that it’s possible to overcome these addictions and reconnect with one’s intrinsic motivation. I also know someone who is quite social, has not (to my knowledge) suffered from addiction to video games, and spends a lot of his time pursuing a variety of interests. However, he has never been intrinsicly motivated, and it is nearly impossible to compel him to do just about anything, as he feels that doing something that someone else asked you to do is, and I quote: ‘just like letting someone tell me what to do, and I don’t let no-one tell me what to do.’ Needless to say, if he doesn’t think something needs to be done, either someone else will have to do it, or it won’t be done.
At this point, you will have to ask yourself some important questions.
Is your sub intrinsicly motivated by nature?
If he is, are you willing to commit to helping him overcome any addiction and/or emotional concerns, and help him to reconnect with that part of himself?
And if he is not, is he important enough to you to commit to the path of trying to alter both his worldview and his behaviour in such a fundamental way?
– – – – – – – – – – UPDATE… – – – – – – – – – – –
I had a lengthy discussion with my sub yesterday and, although he was hurt and defensive, we were able to come to some consensus, which I would like to share for the benefit of any others finding this post and having similar problems:
Firstly, one of the most attractive things about him, his laid back, relaxed, gentle personality is what attracted him to me in the first place. His bashful submissive head bow, his mannerisms, his response to my touch and the fact that his greatest reward was just to lay contentedly in my arms… all appealed to the Goddess in me who appreciates a votary who’s highest reward is just to be in my presence. Being reminded of this fact is important because it is very same attitude that has led to some of the underlying problems to date. Laid back and relaxed can also come across as lazy and uncaring. Especially when it comes to chores.
Secondly, I still do very much appreciate the moments of calm and peace I enjoy with him when all the chores are done, the play is finished, and the world is shut out for a short while. They bring me balance as I am an overachieving, overcommitted, overworked woman (as so very many of us Type A, in-charge-of-our-world Dommes are). I do not want to lose this balancing element in my life. I have other subs who are diligent, work-a-holics who would do, do, do themselves to death.
Most importantly, we discovered the core problem beneath my efforts to encourage him to better and more thoughtful service: He felt that all in the house are constantly judging him and asking him to change himself (as we have focused on his attitude about it and not necessarily the outcomes). Where he has succeeded we have moved on to the next thing and taken what he has learned and practiced for granted. Ultimately, I do not want to change his heart or his attitude really… as above, they are important to me. I do however, wish to change his HABITS. He is willing, but untrained. He wishes me to be happy, even at his expense. He has proven again and again that gaming does NOT come first to him, as he will get up and do whatever is asked of him. We discussed the matter of time as well, I am not asking for hours of his time, I am asking for small little habits added onto his life that take moments to do. Picking up a sweater takes 2 seconds… when you are walking right by that sweater and the hamper anyhow.
Lastly he agreed that some of the attitude and life-approach changes I am asking for (to actually change him internally) are necessary in his life for some of his own goals. He wants children someday, learning cleaning and organizational habits now will make him better prepared for those life goals.
He has committed to set aside time each day to walk around the house with a consciously critical eye to see if there are any little tasks he can do. A good idea! I have committed to paying attention to what he is getting right and not creating an environment of “learned helplessness” where you feel as though you cannot do anything right, so why do anything at all?
Bottom line – there is much to be worked with here and it is important to keep in mind what I am trying to accomplish: a more diligent mind, an eye for detail and a thoughtfulness within his tasks. None of those things require him to really be less relaxed or laid back. They can be accomplished by habits, which are not always requiring of huge internal change, but simple external action.
Hopefully he recognizes that the changes needed to “fit in” in our household are not truly burdensome or unnecessary, but are easily done and reflect his willingness and heart to make others happy, which ultimately are some of his most attractive and beautiful character traits. These simple actions are an easy way to demonstrate the things within himself that he wants others to know: that he DOES indeed care and that he IS trying to change his habits.
- P.S. We are not a 24/7 D/s couple, but our relationship and the management of it does tend to be within that type of dynamic inasmuch as he is sort of “my responsibilitiy”… we have a poly house, he is there because he is a relationship with me, my husband’s girlfriend is there because she is in a relationship with him. This “she’s yours”, “he’s mine”, approach is causing some problems as the Primary partners and their secondary partners tend to hold the other Primary partner responsible for the secondary person they have in the house for their own benefit. Which makes logical and emotional sense, but does not, in fact, work very well. We are realizing that each member within the house should be accountable individually to each other memeber in the house, and if Primary A has a problem with Secondary B (the other partner’s secondary), then A has to talk to B directly, not through their Primary. This works in all directions and levels the playing field, because at the end of the day, Primary or secondary, Domme\Dom or sub, we are all PEOPLE firstly living in the same environment with equal rights, equal share of costs and equal need to give and have respect.
- “I’ve thought of that, but it still places on the responsibility on me for his choices. And, I can’t possibly know and list everything that could be done… like if I left my coat on the handrail last nigth or not. I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of thinking for him. “
All I will say to this is…. He became your responcibility when he became YOURS… And like the grown up CHILD.. He needs to be taught. You can not SEND your child away because he didn’t clean his room. He has to be TAUGHT… child doesn’t clean his room. There’s nothing left in the room but a bed when you are finished and he is to earn his things back. From a child you take what means most to him when he does something wrong or doesn’t do what he needs to. Why would this be any different? Don’t forget. That child will eventually be on his own and have to take care of himself.. So teach him life values while you’re at it.
- He became your responcibility when he became YOURS…
You can not SEND your child away because he didn’t clean his room.
Why would this be any different?
Wrong! Seriously, are you for real? The man is an adult, and if he doesn’t fulfill the needs of the household and/or the needs of the relationship, he gets cut loose! She has no responsibility to keep him if he fails to hold up his end of the bargain.
I know you’re probably hopeful that you’ll wind up in a fantasy relationship where your Domme will never ever let you go no matter how badly you continuously screw up, but in real life adult situations this just isn’t so.
The OP obviously values her sub and is willing to go extra miles to help the relationship balance, but that in no way implies an obligation to keep him forever if he fails to come through on his end. This is real life stuff here, not fantasy.
- OK, this is frustrating, I tried to submit a response, and my Fetlife session blew up on me as I hit enter 🙁
So here is the 2 cents from the submissive side of our Domme/sub relationship….
First of all, a submissive who isn’t thinking proactively about what Goddess wants… isn’t being submissive. they are being selfish.
Submission and attitude
Personally, I think that he needs to get a clue about what it means to be a submissive. He sounds more selfish and self centered (or game centered) than submissive. If he is being a “all night gamer” he needs to change the attitude and schedule so that he is filling the gaps in his submissive training by himself, not having to have Goddess do it for him.
Learning the desires of your Goddess
If you have told him of your desires in relation to his submission, then he should be looking at those desires as his guiding force in life, not just in his “out of the game world” life.
Incentives: Positive and Negative
Whether you give positive or negative incentives for “good behavior” finding a way to make that good behavior prosper, grow and become self sufficient.
Have you tried taking away his game system, and telling him he has to earn TIME on the game system by way of keeping up with his chores?
** Does he have a list of expectations from you? ** – If he doesn’t know what he is expected to do on a regular basis, how can he know that he’s done with the chores for the day?
Remember that other people live there too, so everyone SHOULD have some chore to do on a regular basis. No one likes being the ONLY person cleaning up after an entire family’s messes.
My Goddess has a chore board for the family. each person is given designated chores on each week. She finds this helpful to be able to tell me how I am doing on a regular basis, as her sub.
To that end, we also have a positive incentive program that we worked up together.
We call it “robyn’s report card”
It’s an excel file that allows Goddess to grade me on various aspects of my submissive behavior.
Based on my grades for the week, I can earn points, that can be turned in for various things. — your sub might find it easiest to turn in his points for game time.
If you are interested, we are looking at offering the excel file to folks for a minimum price (a couple of bucks) to help guide submissives in the right path towards a good service submissive. (I’ll post a pdf file as soon as I can to give you a look at the file.)
Here’s the door, when to say “Get the fuck out !”
Give him a time limit. if he doesn’t “clean up his act” by a certain time, kick his lazy submissive ass to the curb.
- Learning is, by it’s very nature, uncomfortable and something which some folks pay a LOT of money for and ask or work for the least from that experience. The process is: unconsciously incompetent, consciously incompetent, competent, consciously (and often joyfully) competent, unconsciously competent. I’ve witnessed you flow through it and you are amazing and you do it with delight. You are delight.
- I’m a newbie domme and not much of one, more of a service top, but if I had a sub like that and I liked him, and it sounds like you do like him, I’d want to domme him where his heart is–I would find that arousing. I only domme on visits, I don’t have a live-in sub, so what I’m suggesting would probably turn out to be ridiculously impractical, but I’d domme him in his games before anything else. I assume he’s playing some kind of RPG game? Whatever it is, it must be somewhat sophisticated if it takes up that much of his time. Find out from other gamers online some times per level, not insane but hard, and tell him to try for that time to finish that part (and if he doesn’t make it, he doesn’t save and has to try from that spot tomorrow). That way you control his game time each day and you get complete control of his will. He will have to come up with creative ways to achieve that time within the game, and will be training himself to be creative in carrying out your wishes in the other parts of his life.
I’d go with photos for having things picked up. Take a picture of the room the way you like it, and then say it must look like that in every particular or he will be punished. A leopard can’t change his spots, I doubt he’s ever going to be a sub that cleans the lamp glass, but if you enjoy his extreme passivity and gentle nature, and it sounds like you do, that goes with his personality. And maybe he will reach a middle ground.
- It seems to me that you are supporting a member of your household who contributes only the barest minimum to get by and retain his place in your house, your bed and under your hand. And, unfortunately, as with all young people, he won’t know how good he has it until the real world beats him up a bit. He’s too young and too immature to understand what he has and what he should be protecting at all costs. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.
I’m not a big believer in behavior modification – I’ve never seen it actually work. You can make all of the agreements with him you want, but I’m afraid they may only lead to disappointment for you and stress in your house. If you receive comfort from this boy, by all means, continue your relationship with him. But do it from a distance. He’s behaving like a play partner; make him one.
Have him move out and only spend the time with him that you currently spend with him. Call on him for play, cuddle time, etc. But make him come to you from his own house/apartment. Make room in your life for another relaxed, laid back sub that can complete all of the tasks you assign him on time in a laid back, relaxed way. You’re spending far too much time and energy on someone who won’t thank you in return and who is likely biding his time in your house as if he was in his parents’ house.
He’s cast you in the role of adversary, not Dominant. And he’s training the entire household to operate on his timeline: gaming until 3A, making him useless before noon, living in the house with only minimal contribution to the household, taking up your time and energy and keeping you from finding a sub who is already mature enough to meet your needs and attend to your desires. These are not the actions of an adult.
You mentioned that you may have been teaching him learned helplessness. In fact, I think he’s been teaching you learned helplessness. No matter what way you approach him or try to deal with him, he does not step up and hit the mark. This is the source of your frustration. He simply isn’t mature enough to handle the responsibilities inherent in a one-on-one relationship, much less the responsibilities demanded by polyamorous relationships.
Just food for thought but remember that it’s your time and your life that he’s wasting by refusing to grow up.
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