So, you want to find a Domme? (retro article)

Leather mistress holding a whip

I have been successful several times in this respect, so there is no reason why you should not be. Although I do not belong to one at the moment, I have had many excellent experiences that I will treasure forever. I have not found the perfect one for me yet, but it is only a matter of time.

Mistresses near

Where are they? I hear you ask.

Just look around, you can see them almost everywhere. They are the ordinary people that you see every day. Do you think that the women who post to these type of newsgroup walk around all day in thigh length boots with a whip in hand? Of course not. They are, to most of the ones who know them, ordinary people. My relationships have been with ordinary people.

So how do you broach the subject?

In my view, you have to be fairly open from the start. I do not mean that you should go up to a girl in a bar and ask them to string you upside down from the ceiling, or leap out of the closet in a rubber catsuit with whip and hood and beg them to tie you up and whip you to within an inch of your life on the first date. You have to introduce these things gradually. Be subtle. Build up to things. Remember, they may not have done these things before, though they may have fantasized about them for years. The results could surprise you. (They have me, often:-) You could be surprised or even scared at just how fast things can progress.

Most people have a Sub or Domme side to them.

In surveys, 66% said they had either tried or wanted to try bondage etc. I have met women at all levels, from the ones who just like to tie you up to the ones who are only interested in seeing how long they can make the whip marks last! Believe me, they are all out there. And it does not matter much how you look, as long as you are clean, interesting and articulate. After all, I am no oil painting. Imagine something between Timothy Dalton (the last James Bond) and Chris the DJ from Northern Exposure, with pierced nipples and very long hair, and you are not too far off. (Must be the long hair that attracts them:-)

Just remember, a Domme, whether fully fledged with their own extensive dungeon and wardrobe, or a novice with a few lengths of rope, is a PERSON, not just an icon. You may build up a picture in your mind of the perfect Domme for you, but you must be wary of falling into the trap of thinking that if you finally meet a Domme, they will instantly transport you into your fantasy world, where all the scenarios you have imagined will suddenly become reality. Remember, they have just as many fantasies as you, and the chances of those being exactly the same as yours are pretty slight. You have to work together, discuss the sort of things that turn you on.

Let me cite an example. The last mistress who owned me loved seeing someone obviously male dressed up in woman’s clothes (OK, rubber ones; stockings, mini-skirt etc.). She liked to use a large (and I mean LARGE) strap on. She even forced me to perform deep-throat with it (and it is not as hard as you think). Unfortunately, when she suggested (OK, ordered me) to do this, I thought that it was not something that appealed to me. Was this a huge problem? Was the dream about to be shattered? NO. Just because a thing does not appeal to you does not mean that you should not try it. Although the clothes did nothing for me, the sight of her almost dripping wet with desire, crossing her legs in ecstasy at the sight was enough to turn me on massively. The clothing etc. still did nothing for me, it was her reaction that gave me the pleasure. You must be willing to give in a relationship, not just take what the Domme has to offer. What I am trying to say is that a relationship that is S&M is actually much more about give and take than a vanilla one. She will have many ideas that she would like to try just as you will. Similarly, there will be things that one of you would never want to do, that the other does. Ideas and limits will gradually stretch and broaden naturally, it is not something that you HAVE to work at. Just let things take their course and do not rush it.

Unfortunately, sooner or later you will come across a situation where a scene that is the most erotic of your life will suddenly collapse into worse than nothing. Those ropes will suddenly hurt, you will ache, be uncomfortable, want to get out. The cause may be anything from a misplaced whip stroke (across the testicles is the best scene killer for me) to a wrong sentence or word, even a laugh at the wrong point. These things happen. I would not advise you to try to continue there and then. Remember, no matter how bad you may feel, the Domme will feel a MILLION times worse. There can be a sudden and dramatic loss of confidence and they may never want to try that sort of scene again. This is the time to just hold onto them, give them a hug and a kiss and plenty of reassurance, not go howling about the bedroom (cellar, dungeon, whatever:-) complaining about things, no matter how you feel. We all have feelings, every one of us, and no-one is 100% confident. You must realize that these things are just a fact of life and happen to us all (Mondo flame coming from the skilled ones out there:-) and you must accept this. Try to forget it and try again another time and do not to be nervous.

How to advertise yourself

If, in your search for a Domme, you decide to advertise, do not use phrases like “I will do anything”, these are just not true. There are some things that you would NEVER do. For instance, I like being scratched, having my nipple rings pulled and tweaked, C&B torture, hot wax, sensory deprivation and strap-on’s (amongst many others, e-mail me for the full list:-), but ONLY within the context of a scene, some (the normally painful ones) after the “endorphin high” has kicked in. If someone came up to me in the street and tried any of that, it would be very painful. So be realistic. If you do not like a huge amount of spanking, say so. It will be appreciated more in the end. Do not think that if you tell lies and end up the property of a Domme, that things will be OK. If you are truthful from the start, they can bypass your advert and look for something that THEY want, saving both of you a lot of grief and heartache. Domme’s are looking for specific people too. They do not want to waste their time, (at 31, even I start to think it is running out:-) with someone who is, for example, not into watersports if that is their main pleasure. If you are not averse to trying things, by all means, say so, they may well decide to participate in your education. If not, respect their decision. Above all, remember the line from the song, “and they said, any love was good lovin’, so I took what I could get”. And remember, they were very, very wrong. (IMO). Above all else, I wish you good luck, for even if you do not find someone who you are perfect for, you will remember the experiences forever, they will broaden your experience and they may help you find the perfect partner.

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Last Updated on 2 years by pseudonymous