kinky dating time to get real

How long does it take to give up on the 24/7 fantasy?

Or should you even TRY?


Its interesting how things work in real life. All the mental and physical distractions. Work, family, friends, health and tons more things to many to mention. In all this mess of life… we realize we need D/s to fulfill us. So we go on the hunt… to adapt our present relationship, to find a new one, or to add a 3rd to the one we have. Now we fall in love, lust or under the power exchange with another! Wooo hoo… How exciting πŸ™‚

Then.. time goes by. Life is a powerful Master/Mistress. Always fighting with our own power exchange. Sometimes we win, sometimes life wins… lol Seems life wins more often thoughΒ sigh

Sooo.. a cryptic post eh? lol
All I am trying to figure out is this. We all fantasize about what living with our D/s partner should be. AND in some ways is BETTER than our fantasy. BUT .. there is always a BUT… lol
Will we always crave more? More servitude, more obedience? More stability, more play? More of all that stuff we think that D/s is .. or should be? The grass being greener as we think so-and-so has a better owner or slave?

Is it better to work at letting go of the fantasy and accept our personal limitations when involved with D/s. That what we crave about might be good on paper, but not good for us mentally or physically?
OR…
Is it better to always be wanting to grow? To keep reaching for the golden ring? To strive to become better owners and slaves?
Or…. do you have another choice? Let me know πŸ˜‰

Answers :

  • A D/s relationship is still a relationship. It makes some things much simpler and perhaps makes other things more difficult.

We all have challenges every day, that’s just the way life works. We would all love to sit around playing all day, but dinner still has to be made, laundry still needs to be done, and we still have to work, go to school, commute, etc. That doesn’t mean that all of those things need to get done before you deal with your relationship. That is only true if you make your relationship with your LAST priority.

Just like any kind of relationship, if you are honest, you make it a priority, communicate, and are working towards common goals, it will be rewarding for everyone.

So, I think “giving up on the fantasy” generally means at least one party is not willing to work hard enough.

  • Well no matter how hard a person works… I would think many things that are ‘supposed’ to be part of a D/s relationship… are just not attainable. Like caging and chains every day all day Grin
    Whatever it is we read or fantasize about it.

I agree.. like keeping the romance in a vanilla relationship… it takes time and energy to keep the vision of what we fantasize about… alive.

WHERE do we draw the line? Do we feel like we just aren’t romantic enough.. even if we give flowers once a week and write poems and 5-hour foreplay? ROFL Because so many books, movies, and even our fantasies encompass SO much more?
Or.. do you accept that you are romantic enough? That to expect more is unrealistic? Can you find comfort in knowing you have attained enough? OR do you always strive for more and feel bad that you aren’t romantic enough? cough cough .. an analogy of romance and D/s πŸ˜‰

No matter how hard you work, no matter how much of a priority you make your relationship… there is always more romance or more D/s that we fantasize about

  • Everyone likely draws the line in a different place, whether vanilla or D/s. Some folks in vanilla relationships probably feel that flowers on your anniversary– if you remember– are sufficient as romance. Others feel that rolling over and falling asleep immediately after sex s just fine, while others will tell you that nothing short of a dozen long-stemmed red roses, a bottle of champagne, and a full night of wild, passionate sex is the ideal weekly date. It’s really too individual to nail down.

For my Lord and I, we’re growing in this together. I’ve been involved in the lifestyle longer than he has, and this is his first D/s relationship, so it’s taking him a bit to figure out where he’s comfortable. When things are stressful for whatever reason, sometimes the more active part of that learning takes a back seat, but he never stops being my Owner, nor I his property.

While we may fantasize about being kept at home naked to await the whims of those who own our asses, the reality is (for most) that the bills must be paid, laundry done, groceries bought. Doing those things (with clothes on, even!) doesn’t make the relationship any less about D/s. So long as one lead and the other follows willingly, the heart of it is there.

  • This is a brief but complex statement that I believe can best be examined in segments. “Many things….are supposed to be part of a D/s relationship.” Yes and no, I believe that there are some things that should be part of such a relationship (slaves wear a locked collar 24/7); however, I also believe that what a slave does or does not do is primarily up to the Master.

“Many [supposedly required activities]…are just not attainable.” While it is true that some things are actually impossible, I find that most folks who cite impossibility as the reason for not doing this or that in their case are using that line as an excuse for not being willing to make the effort to convert fantasy (desire) into reality. Deciding that something is too much work for the benefit gained is not a crime; however, saying that something is impossible when you really mean “more effort than you are willing to expend” is self-deception.

“Like caging and chains every day all day.” There is no fundamental reason why this is impossible; our government didn’t seem to have a problem requiring various folks to live this way at GITMO. If this is what the Master says that life will be like in his household and a slave wants to live this way, then more power to them. Is this right for everyone; surely not, because it is very hard for both parties to maintain such a regimen. However, hard is not a synonym for impossible.

Mistress is leaning on a gimp

What is the fundamental difference between choosing to live in almost total silence in a monastic cell and choosing to live in a cage or chains? Both require a great deal of sacrifice and commitment to a philosophy along with a high threshold for boredom. Society accepts and typically respects the monks and nuns who vow obedience, chastity, poverty and, in some orders, silence; but often treats us as a bunch of nuts when we propose to live in an analogous manner. Perhaps we need to rethink how we describe ourselves.

  • I think I “get” what you are saying now (not sure I understood you before). You mean your relationship is not living up to what YOU expect/fantasize about etc. If I’ve gotten it wrong, just pretend I ended up there somewhere while saying something supportive. πŸ™‚

I HATE words and phrases like “requirements”, “supposed to be” and “expectations”. They are used much too often to describe relationships that are very personal and can ONLY be defined by the people in them. What you require, what you are supposed to be, and what you expect is as individual as you are, and can only be defined by YOU. Are the two of you happy? Then it is RIGHT!!!

Secondly, I have had fantasies that are absolutely unattainable and would be downright unhealthy for our relationship. Doesn’t mean I can’t have them! Do I give up on having those? Nope, I enjoy the hell out of it! Fantasy is fantasy, if it was something else we would call it reality!

In every relationship, no matter what kind, you have to decide if you are fufilled with what you have. If not, Can you make more of your fantasies a part of your relationship? Caged up 24/7 may be possible for some, but I suspect very rarely, and it mostly lives in porn.

  • _”Caged up 24/7 may be possible for some, but I suspect very rarely, and it mostly lives in porn.”_

This brings something else to mind, only lightly off-topic: have those who want to be caged 24/7 ever spent a few days like that while their Owner was off at work or doing other things? There are no cutaways or time-lapse scenes in real life, and while it may look like fun in the movies, it may not be so much fun in real life. Being alone in a cramped space for 8 – 12 hours with nothing to do, no way to access food, water, or bathroom will likely be enjoyable only for so long.

For Owner-types who want to keep a slave caged like that, remember that you then need to feed them, walk them, change their papers. It’s a lot of work looking after a caged creature, whether quadruped or biped.

Reality tends to rain on fantasy’s parade in the most unpleasant ways, doesn’t it?

  • A lot of times real life does get in the way of D/s. My girl is teaching summer school right now, and has very intense days in the classroom, and nights spent preparing lesson plans, grading papers, and such. So I don’t get breakfast in bed, someone bringing me tea, and someone reminding me to drink water. I have to do dishes. My boy has to accompany me to the Farmer’s Market to pick up donations for the food bank where I volunteer. I’m doing laundry again. It’s all good. Things happen.

We’re also remodeling the house we bought, and believe me when your sub is the one with plumbing expertise, then he tells YOU to run over to Home Depot and get parts. The D/s dynamic does have to take a back seat to real life at times.

Still and all, there is an underlying dynamic still there.

  • As I recently said in an interview: “You can focus on what you don’t have or appreciate what you do. Life is less stressful when you focus on what you have and how to make that better.”

See, I never had this “fantasy” or image of how exactly owning a slave would work out. I figured right from the start that I’d keep teaching and/or writing myself and I know myself well enough to know I’m never going to be comfortable enough to let someone else do all the mundane things for me. For me it really has been a matter of me having the final authority and say when I want it. Thus not much room for a lot of disappointment if I’ve chosen a partner who agrees with that definition of owner and slave.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have an active fantasy life — I’m a published fiction author, after all, comes with the job. It isn’t to say that we are perfect — far from it since we just human beings. It isn’t to say that I wouldn’t welcome more slaves or partners into my household in the future. I just try to focus on what I have and making it work.

To be honest, the owner-slave things work far more smoothly than my husband-wife dynamic does.

  • Snip…I would think many things that are ‘supposed’ to be part of a D/s relationship… are just not attainable. Like caging and chains every day all day Grin Whatever it is we read or fantasize about.

The one thing to keep in mind here is that D/s is what you make of it. There is no one who is going to say if you are in a D/s relationship you have to do this. It is what the two of you decide it is.

No it is not possible to live the life of fiction that we have read in erotic stories(spending 24/7 tied to the wall waiting to be used, or kept in a cage until our owner wants us), any more than it is possible for someone who is into sci-fi to live the life of a starship captain.

That being said it is very possible to live the D/s lifestyle 24/7. Yes there are times when I have to be the authority figure, or with my children to the dominant personality, or the leader of a group, or whatever the case may be. This is after all real life. We all have responsibilities that we are expected to take care of. Work, families, bills, life in general happens. But who is to say that those things have to hinder a D/s relationship?

My Master expects me to take care of my children, to take care of the house, work, schoolwork, my health, etc. HE has placed that responsibility on me. He doesn’t want me to run to him every minute to ask him what I should have for lunch, or if I should take my kids to the dr when sick, or if I should study for a test. Those are my responsibilities because he gave them to me as mine. All of these things I do and more I do to the best of my ability, the way he would want me to do them, with him on my mind as I go about doing them.

No relationship D/s or not can always be about personal gratification. And let’s face it, at the heart of the matter, that is what D/s is for us. We receive personal gratification from serving, or being served, from being beaten or from beating another, from the power exchange.

So to answer the question, although I cannot spend all day long kneeling at Master’s feet and waiting to serve him in any way he may desire, like I would like to; the power exchange is always a part of everything I do. As you say I haven’t given up on the “fantasy” of D/s because I do live it 24/7.

  • A relationship is a relationship, its only as good as the two parties make it and are willing to put into it, regardless of if its kinked or not.

Life happens, you work with it like anything.

Yes it might not be as you first thought but nothing ever is as you wont it to me 100% of the time, so you learn to adapt and work with what you have. If not things go south and fall apart around you and you have to pick up and move on or try and fix things.

  • Well its nice to see such a variety of responses. Some agitated me and some made me smile… all warm and fuzzy giggles

I truly adore my Master, my hubby, my friend, and my lover. Most days we feel lucky to have met each other. To be in sync for types of play, business, pleasure, traveling, family values, etc… is amazing. It’s hard to find a good match JUST in BDSM .. but have that AND that match falls into personal and business life.. family as well. Yummmm. He still makes my skin tingle or my heart rush… with a touch, a reprimand, or a thoughtful gesture. Mmmmmmmmm

It’s not day today I feel that frustration… about life not meeting fantasy. AND I know that it cant. At least not MY fantasies giggles
BUT I still get that itch, that frustration… I am wondering if it goes away after 20 years? 50? ROFL Maybe like vanilla’s… that craving for MORE romance comes and goes… as life allows it πŸ™‚
bottoms up πŸ™‚

  • _So where is the balance when the need strikes? What are acceptable ways of dealing with it on a r/t and practical/rational basis?_

I believe that the “balance” lies as close to the core of the fantasy as you can get. I’m unaware of any benefit gained by depriving yourself of a harmless desire. If the desire is not harmless (eating pounds of chocolate, etc) then moderation is in order. Note: nit-picking over whether anything is truly harmless is not germane to this discussion.

Regarding acceptable ways of achieving your desires; how bad do you want whatever it is you desire? I believe that if someone truly wanted to live as a slave they should either forgo having children or delay their fulfillment until their children are grown. There is nothing impractical or irrational about making great sacrifices to achieve a goal.

In my youth, I aspired to be champion marksmen. I was fairly good until I realized that I had to give more of myself. For several years I was basically a recluse; I went to school, ate, slept, and practiced endlessly. In 1967 I did well enough at the National Rifle Championships to earn an invitation to the preliminary Olympic tryouts. Didn’t make the U.S. team but I got a lot farther than most. Was it rational to forgo a social life, friends and other activities to achieve a desire? Yes, I believe it was. Was it practical? No, I spent every dime I could earn, beg and borrow buying shooting supplies. Was attaining the goal worth the effort? You bet it was, though many of my friends thought I was totally nuts, had my priorities all wrong, was obsessing, etc.

Bottom line: if you value the goal (fantasy fulfillment) as worth the cost then go for it and don’t spend two minutes worrying about what someone else thinks about your decision; they are not living your life.

  • Yes … your question is still in my mind… lol
    I guess its like.. wanting to have your cake and eat it too?
    Wanting family, friends, vanilla dreams and aspirations .. AND wanting this wonderful D/s fantasy life πŸ™‚
    I am thinking.. you never really attain your fantasy… nor should you. Its like reaching for that golden ring… always striving for more. Still, the ride on the merry-go-round is a hoot. Just cause I havent caught that ring as I pass by it.. time and time again…. doesnt mean I cant enjoy the ride… lol

AS I tell myself all this.. I still have that itch, that ache… and I smile or growl at it … depending on my mood that moment.. lol
bottoms up

  • ‘BUT I still get that itch, that frustration… I am wondering if it goes away after 20 years’

I certainly hope not…
Maybe it is a very philosophers-point-of-view, but I think that ‘itch’ is what drives people to improve, discover and learn. If the man (or woman,lol) who built the first wheel hadn’t felt an itch for making something new which was more convenient, well…I guess we would al be walking still, and wouldn’t have cars, planes and trains.

I think it is a good sign to have that itch. To want to learn, and discover. As long as it doesn’t degrade what you have right now. Willing to learn is not the same as being unsatisfied I think.

  • For me fantasies are to be fulfilled. Period. Perhaps I don’t have wholly fantastic fantasies that could not be played out. The idea of caging and chains every day all day, while appealing, is not as appealing as concentrating the intensity of coupling for four or five hours between our sleeping and waking lives.
    I think I’m a good example of always wanting more. My name is insatiable9, however, I sincerely hope there is satisfaction out there for me. When I find THE ONE for me I expect to want more of her, but not more as a difference. We will grow and change together, but the desire which brought us together in the relationship (both vanilla and kink) will grow as well.
    Romance? Can’t live without it. I could not go a day without flogging, kissing, or planning a sweet surprise. Falling asleep aside a sweaty, oily, bruised, panting, cheerleader, chained and gagged, collared and leashed, stuffed with toys and humming from the vibrations is as much a turn on as waking up next to the same girl every day thereafter.
  • I think you need to put the BDSM fantasy books down and start living your own life. Who the hell said caging and chains all day are “supposed” to be done in order to be 24/7? Whoever it was lied to you. I am a 24/7 slave. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. I am not caged or chained all day. I have to go to work and I have chores to be done when I’m home.

Things like living in chains usually is just fantasy. That doesn’t mean that being 24/7 is fantasy or that not having those things means your life is missing anything. Enjoy what you do have. Enjoy the things you like instead of worrying about what the books and novellettes say you must do. Stop worrying about what life looks like and just live it. You’ll be better off in the end.

  • I am of the belief you should possibly wake up and smell the coffee..

life can be wonderful and exciting.. you can choose to look at your one and think about how wonderful life is..or think about how things should be and be miserable..

personally.. with me in my world.. I wake up each day and see my one and am grateful to have him.. even on his cranky days..

I never know what the day or night will bring..

we are old and retired now..and can pretty much do as we please.. and we get the urge to take a trip ..or play at something..

if we happen to think of something interesting to try.. then we do..

we are not what I refer to as a D/s relationship… I view that as pretty much play… not saying it is..but simply how I view it..

we were both born and raised in what we live and definitely have no fantasies.. we are a master-slave relationship .. we live it 24/7.. whatever whim we have.. we do it.. so no fantasies.. we actually have been like this all of our life together..which is probably longer than most have been alive… we are not into kink.. or fetishes..though.. I kind of wonder lately what kink and fetishes are.. or should I say.. what others define them as..

I have never been chained or in a cage.. that just never seemed to appeal to either of us..

I don’t need those to feel like a slave.. though.. I really am not sure what a slave is supposed to feel like.. at least to compared to what others talk about here..

I guess in short I would simply say.. live life to the fullest and enjoy it.. if something comes along and it is new and exciting..then go for it.. but for goodness sake.. don’t sit around and dream up things you “think” you are missing.. or how you think things should be..

if you worry about fantasies.. life will pass you by and you will end up miserable and to be honest. no one and nothing can ever measure up to fantasies.. you need to keep things to a level that can be achieved.. don’t set yourself up to be unhappy and fail..

learning is good.. growing is good.. and yes..challenges are good..but don’t try to live like some romance novel..

  • I find life is more interesting if we maintain a healthy balance or real-life and fantasy. Enjoy what we have and yet desire more.

This desire for more is what fuels growth and learning. Once we stop growing we begin to die. When we stop learning we being to become ignorant. Life has taught me such things. Look at a coin, you might see the two faces as yin and yang… have and want… past and future… known and unknown… sad and unspoken. Don’t become obsessed with one side or you lose precious balance.

Kink is nice. My desire for more kink is always there, but I still enjoy the non-kinky aspect of my relationship with angel. My angel is lacking in health right now, so I only do what I can with her but it keeps our relationship alive. A second would be nice to have – enjoying that kink that is put off for now. All I know is good things are in store and I can wait.

Last Updated on 8 months by pseudonymous