How Often do you have sex with your submissive? (If ever)

Reading another discussion, I’m curious how often dominants have sex with their submissives. I know that not all doms even have sex with their subs, and that it will vary. But I am curious what the overall trends are, and how much variety in responses there is by gender.

I’ll start…

I’m a genderqueer female domme and I want sex from my sub often…like more often than not, I will be having sex with him when I see him. But my sub is also my romantic partner and my main source of sex, ideally.


  • My .02–could be. Or not. A generic lack of capitalization is endemic on chat. The Me, who knows. Maybe just arrogance? Why don’t you ask her instead of us?
  • If you have chatted a few times and got to know each other a bit, you can ask her straight out; or make a subtle reference to dominance or being a sub and see what her response to it is.
  • It wasn’t just the lack of capitalization in general. She refers to her friend as ‘girl’, which by itself isn’t an indication, but then she used ‘…Me…’, and both together got me thinking.
  • She’s led me to believe that she is in control of her conversations with men in the school environment, which was another slight indicator. She’s brought up some talk of a play ‘wrestling match’, which I replied that I’d stretch it out for a half-hour and let her win. All with a positive response from her. I don’t want to just blurt something out, but it’s getting to that point.
  • It seems that she likes to be in control…but that doesn’t make her a Dominant of any sort, as we all know.
  • It’s getting to the point where I’ll probably just be blunter. I usually ask a lady if she’s adventurous regarding sex in general, and that usually opens or SLAMS a door! The capital Me really took me by surprise, it’s almost unheard of anywhere else.
  • Damn, this is like a soap opera, but with no commercials! I’d sent her an email suggesting coffee, all the while knowing that she didn’t have time today.
  • Her response was, “Lucky for you I can’t right now.” There’s an inference in there somewhere, isn’t there?
  • Two handy questions that -might- help open that door – Ask “How might I be of service?” Very open-ended, and if you drop that into a conversation, particularly since she is busy, it offers her the opportunity to tell you what to do. But easily missed by vanilla.

Ask “What is your deepest darkest fantasy?” A vanilla response can indicate no interest and is still a reasonably safe question to ask. A detailed list of what she has planned for next Sunday would be the other end of the spectrum. And in the middle, there is a lot of room to grow and develop. That question =might= even give vanilla permission to explore. And it’s a fun sort of ‘Truth or Dare’ way to start a conversation.

  • That reminds me of the Dolly Parton radio talk show character, telling a caller, “When he asks what your fantasy is, tell him it’s him getting a job!”

Two excellent questions though, if she does have Dominant traits I think she’d respond to either of those questions. Although if she’s guarded, she may reply negatively to any fantasy questions.

  • I’m interested on how this turns out also. I would ask her if she is playing word games with you or considers you a banter partner, which she must because she is still talking to you. Then simply ask her what her opinion is on this subject. You have obviously caught her attention.
    Its better to find out now before you get so enthralled and then discover she isn’t into it. I always had this view when I was looking for my partner. At worst you have made a new good friend, at best…who knows? Take a chance!
  • Thanks so much for your interest, great to have such support from everyone.

Here’s the soap opera synopsis up to now.
Kind of bantered a bit on the play wrestling thing some more, and didn’t get any real info. I told her that she was a real catch, being beautiful, smart, and likely to tie me to the bed in my sleep! She misunderstood slightly, and said that she’d never been tied, but had done the tying. So I went with that, moved into teasing, something about fantasy. She wanted to know more, so I talked about her dressed sexily, and be tied to a kitchen chair, all in the context of teasing. Skirted around control a bit, and she said it’s great to have a man who, knows what he wants’. Feeling this was going the wrong way at that point, but eventually got to the point where shared control in the bedroom is a good thing. Seemed to go well from there, she’s going shopping, and I asked, ‘for what, to Home Depot for chain and rope?’ Her reply was, ‘lol, no, though we could do that together.’

I don’t know if she knows what she is exactly, but I think there is a substantial amount of interest. Could it be that the dominant exterior is a protective shell? I’m not sure.

When this gets boring, let me know and I’ll stop…promise!

  • if you stop you are going to get hate mail from all of us that are looking for one like this. Please keep the story going; especially if it turns out that she is VERY kinky… smiles [by the way, does she have a sister?????
  • I am baffled by people who pursue their search for a kinky partner in the vanilla world. The odds are all wrong. I am constantly acquainted with men who have vanilla wives who don’t understand the men’s secret desires and the men can’t bring themself to leave the wife for a real-life of their dreams. Which in spite of all the difficulty is achievable and worth it.

If people in search of a kinky life would take the courage in hand to attend BDSM and kinky related social events, they would find the odds in their favor. Once in attendance at a kinky social event, do indeed use all your vanilla standards to judge and choose your partner. non-kink compatibility is the key. Lovers will always accommodate each other’s kink. Something vanilla people don’t seem to want to do.

If you met a woman in a kinky social event, you would know if she was a Domme. and as a known and trusted sub, she may allow you to approach.

  • I don’t know you just didn’t put
    you were seeking a Dominant Female.
    in your vanilla dating site.
    Many men do it!

If she isn’t a Domme will you
end the relationship?
Or will you proceed vanilla?

If you will be ending it then ..
Isn’t rocket science
Just ask her if she
knows what D/s is.
If she does the proceed

If she doesn’t and she ask’s
then inform her and explain in a gentle manner.
Since there are many levels of this lifestyle
You do not need to get into the Sado Masochist end right away.
Especially if you are a service submissive.

If it doesn’t interest think can you be loyal and happy with vanilla woman.. if not then walk away.

  • I agree with the mistress. It’s tempting to read too much into things that may be coincidental. If she’s really interesting to you, keep talking to her about vanilla stuff so she’ll have some idea that you can live in that part of the world, and when you think you might have established that, the next step would be either to be gently honest about your kinks as honest needs (not things you want her to be) – try to offer it as something educational. Or, if you’re interested in a sexual relationship, start with vanilla topics. At some point, you’ll probably need to be honest so that neither of you invests too much in it before testing the kink factor. I guess timing is everything. Good luck. tiger~
  • You’d be very surprised at how many kinky people there are in the vanilla world. I’ve had several strikes up conversations from totally vanilla places, and they turned out to be even pervier than I am! Didn’t we all wonder aimlessly around in the alien world of vanilla, before finding a place like this, where we can freely express our kinks? I know I did, for several decades.
  • I don’t say you can’t find the kink of your dream in the vanilla world, I just say that you can’t complain how long it takes when you ask vanilla dates if they will be your kinky life partner.

I agree all things, well almost all things are possible.
I was just pointing out the misdirection of doing it the hard way.

I support everyone in their journey.

  • I think it’s easy to paint every picture we see with the paintbrush we’re holding.

    She might be dominant – she might just be someone who likes to joke around about adventurous sex with a person on the internet who she has no intention of meeting so there’s no risk.

… oh, and unless you are already sexually intimate, I’d avoid the “what’s your fantasy” question. I personally find it intrusive.

  • While it’s probably wishful thinking, you may want to kind of push the envelope with regards to her to find out for sure.

I’ve met many assertive women who are completely turned off by being dominant, and vice versa.

She sounds like she’s very self-assured regardless, so hopefully would react well and/or positive towards some slight verbal probing.

  • even if she doesn’t currently consider herself as such, it certainly sounds like she’s interested in becoming Domme…and you would have the pleasure of being her first experiment! lucky you!
  • Thanks, everyone for the comments and advice.
    We have gone for the quasi-obligatory Timmy’s, and there is some mutual interest, but I don’t think this is an out-of-the-park homer, at least from her standpoint. I believe that she is an in-control woman who is open-minded and kink-curious but is being careful in regards to a relationship. She may be a touch wary of becoming involved with someone who is possibly beyond her comfort zone? She has a lot on her plate at this point in her life, and my mind-reading skills have become a touch rusty.
    It seems clear that she is an assertive lady, but if she has any Dominant inclinations, she’s apparently not aware of them at this time.

To be honest I’d likely continue talking with her, as she is an intelligent lady and quite interesting to converse with. As it’s been said before, “It’s only kinky the first time”, so should the relationship progress, who knows where some introductory playing might lead?
It’s all at a ‘friends’ stage at this point, so time will tell.