How do I get my master to become the master I need?

How does a submissive get their master to become the master they need?

Answers :

  • My two cents and only my opinion, based on four-plus years of owning a collared slave, evolving together, backing up, re-setting standards, continuing evolution. I think that you have to start by FINDING the Master you want to be with, then staying in communication with him, and Him staying in tight control of you and grooming, training, enforcing his standards with you. Like any relationship, if communication breaks down, if either slips in that, then the two will begin to grow apart.

As far as “making Him to be the Master YOU want”? I think that the person making that statement has a basic misunderstanding of the M/s dynamic. You should communicate, in the humble prescribed manner of your House dynamic, what you are in need of or dissatisfied with. You are human and have needs, your Master (I presume) is not psychic and can not read your mind (well not always anyway).

So, bottom line, I guess, “making” a Master do or be anything is asking them not to be dominant. BUT, communication between participants in any relationship is a requirement for that relationship to be an on-going, growing, healthy relationship.

  • Are you asking about finding someone compatible? Are you talking about a ‘slave’ trying to get her way about things, like topping from the bottom? Are you talking about some vanilla guy that some kinky girl thought she could change to fit her lifestyle and he isn’t Masterful enough? There are just so many possible scenarios that it’s hard to take in a really broad sense.

If you could perhaps create a scenario or two that you’d like responses to, it would help.

  • From what I recall… the submissive posting the question had been married to the man for 10+ years and they had been working on D/s for the past two years.

This thread was deleted only a couple of days ago, and it originated approximately 4-5 days ago.

My hope is that the original responders would come and re-contribute their well thought out and insightful responses. Not just the simple “you can’t change a person” type response. The responders gave this person a lot to think about.

I had sent a link to that thread to someone I know, and when they went to read it, it had been deleted from this particular group.

So… yes, reposting the question, not for myself. Yes, I am a Domme, and this isn’t about me nor anyone I know in real life. Just a bit frustrated that it is even possible for such great information to be deleted upon the whim of the person who started the original thread. To me, it reeks of disrespect to the people who put their time and positive intentions into trying to help her.

  • aching someone to be Dominant socially is a huge job for a mentor. A subbie trying to teach her Dom to be Dom is just crazy. The girl in the story probably doesn’t know much more about D/s than the Guy.

I was mentored by a subbie once and it did work out well. But, I was extremely motivated and I have an ego that I can put aside when I want. And the girl that mentored Me was extremely experienced too. I am talking 40 years of experience.

  • In all honesty, you need to make sure you know yourself well and know exactly what it is you need. Once you know that, you have to then sit down and have a long conversation with your Master about what your “NEEDS” is. If he is new to this lifestyle, it may be a matter of helping him learn himself and helping him discover his own style of Mastery. Finding a local group and even a mentor for him is a great way to learn. If he does not know then it may be a matter that you both are not a good fit.
    Finding a Master who is a good fit, is not always easy. Some of us get so desperate to find a “Master” that we settle for someone who we like and we overlook the fact that they are not what we need. Of course in all of this, you also have to ensure you are what he needs.

A power exchange relationship is still a give and take. In the real world, it is not just a matter of finding a Master and then conforming to his will and both will be happy. Both the Master and the slave has to have their needs and even some of their wants met, in order for the relationship to be successful.

  • I am personally unacquainted with the inner political machinations of Fetlife. However, it is clear that JB’s original policy has changed. This thread is a good example of how that policy has changed. Much for the worse in my opinion. Indeed, it is in no small part the result of edits and deletions that these days I seldom take the time or go to the trouble to write in forums. (Although you can see I am making an exception in this case.) 🙂

And just “by the way”, the argument that the writer “owns” what they have written and therefore should be allowed to demand its deletion (or have it deleted automatically when they delete their screen name) does not hold water when looked at reasonably.

For example, as one writer pointed out in the discussion to which I linked (above), just because one creates text does not give one the “right” or power to have a newspaper delete quotations of that text. So, while the creator of text does have some copyright “rights” to the text they created, those “rights” do not extend (either legally or ethically) to forcing the deletion of that text once published.

Another example of how current Fetlife policy defies reason: As in the case we are presently discussing, the OP not only had the OP’s writing deleted, the OP had the writing of every other contributor deleted as well! Hello! Surely other thinkers see the egregious contradiction in this state of affairs as well as I do!

Well! If we want to talk about “rights”!!!!! Where is the right of contributors to be free of others changing and deleting their contributions? To which, it must be noted by any reasonable observer, the original writer(s) (meaning the contributor(s) after the OP) holds and maintains the “copyright rights” to their contribution(s). The bottom line of that is that in serving the desires (not the “rights”) of the OP, the “rights” of all the other contributors were trampled!

But enough digression into logic and reason. 🙂

Presumably, the current policy and practice is not “written in stone”. Judging from John Baku’s original policy and from what he says publicly, there is potential in the future that Fetlife could be changed for the better and widespread, whimsical editing and deletions on discussion groups could be curtailed. To that end, the more that general awareness of this issue can be increased, and feedback to JB generated protesting these egregious policies – the better the chance that we can see an end to these current self-destructive policies.

If discussions are not the primary “draw” or “asset” of Fetlife, certainly it is indisputable that discussions are one of the primary assets Fetlife has to draw, entertain and retain its members. It doesn’t take very many deletions to sour a contributor on the prospect of taking the time and going to the trouble to make a contribution to a discussion.

As a note to the case at hand, the OP (person) protests that the original OP (post) was not well worded and/or was misunderstood. Well hello. A post to that effect would have put those concerns on record within the body of the discussion. No editing, no deletions required. 🙂

  • Couldn’t agree more. Masters aren’t minded readers. We are engaged in something that is countercultural, so the idea that it will “just happen” is damn near impossible. You need a way to discuss the relationship and its rules and evolution, without being engaged in constant navel-gazing. As with many other things, it’s a balance and it needs to be worked on.
  • One can not make a Master for you. Only the Master that owns you “if” he owns you can make himself. If he can’t make himself into what he needs to be then your shit out of luck. He should not have to adjust himself to “YOUR” needs. “YOU” should be adjusting to his needs. That is what being a slave is all about. I would never want a Master that wants me to “MOLD” him. He should mold himself. And if I can’t accept the man he is if I am collared to him then I don’t deserve him.

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My Master, “Master Arizonan” has been in my life for 4 years now. Yeah, there are some things he needs to improve. We could all use improvement. That is part of being human. But it is not my job to change him and I would not want him to “change” just because of my “needs”. My needs come last in this house. Far as my Master and I are concerned I am below the Dogs and cat in this house even though I am my Masters’s husband. Why do you ask? Because I am a slave. I serve him. I serve the house. I just feel your statement was very unsuitable. You should be asking yourself how can I change and mold myself to suit his “NEEDS”.

  • This is very tricky as it sails very close to ‘topping from the bottom’ which in my case and others is exactly what we don’t want from a submissive. Great mileage will come from making a good choice and ensuring there’s great compatibility in the first place. A good cook can make a good meal only with good raw ingredients.