Can you do S&M without the sex ?

I’m interested in knowing if any of you out there are satisfied after a scene if there is no vanilla style sex involved?
I’m keen to act out a scene like this but finding it trickier than expected to find a willing Sadist (i.e.: willing to inflict pain but not have it lead to sex)
Is there such a thing as a “true” Sadist and a “true” masochist where the pain exchange takes the place of sex completely?


  • Whether or not sex is involved is not an indication of “true” SM – some include it, some don’t. The question is not offensive, by the way … just drop the idea of “true” or “pure” and you have it.

In the US, it’s easy to find non-sexual encounters at local dungeons and parties sponsored by various groups. Many are held in places where public sex is against the law, so SM scenes are just the kinky fun stuff without sex happening.

However, when you are negotiating play with a top or sadist, be clear that sex is off the table. Do not agree to penetration … or even no genital stimulation. You can specify no kissing or licking also. You get to set the parameters for what you will allow.

The flip side is … they also get to set parameters, and they do not have to agree to play with you if your limits keep them from being able to do what turns them on.

For example, if you have a hard limit against bullwhips, don’t ask a sadist who specializes in bullwhips to play with you, because you don’t want to allow what they want to do.


As for the sex part … I don’t need “vanilla style” sex after a scene. I have orgasms from the pain … it’s really awesome for me to be getting caned and having several orgasms from it. After the “scene” is done, if we are in private, then often there is penetrative sex (which is what I think you are calling “vanilla sex” … but even then, it is far from vanilla.

But I would not really be able to have a totally sex free SM scene, because as the pain increases, so does my sexual response, and I will have orgasms. The higher the level of pain, the harder the orgasm.

  • My husband and I don’t have “vanilla” sex.

We have sex. SM and sex are all wrapped up into one thing for us.

When we are at a dungeon there cannot be sex. Dungeons really frown on him mounting up to fuck my ass while whipping me with the quirt.

When playing with others, there is no sexual intercourse at all. However, I love caning dude’s dicks. I’ve brought a couple of them pretty close to ejaculating. Guess what? That still wouldn’t be sex. There’s no penetration, no suckie, no fuckie, no fingers, no body parts involved at all on my part. I’m hitting dude with a stick.

  • I have been experiencing SM play with people without any sex involved. It can be incredibly satisfying. For me not necessarily because of an orgasm, but because of the other physical sensations and the mental aspects. Just make clear beforehand what you will and won’t accept. If the other person is not comfortable with what you want, they’re probably not a good partner to play with 😀
  • Most of my S&M scenes include nothing remotely sexual, and I have never done a scene that includes intercourse. I don’t do vanilla sex at all; it bores me.

I wonder if part of your difficulty in finding people to play with non-sexually is that you make clear (at least, on your profile here) that you’re looking for a boyfriend, and sex is an expectation, for most people, in that kind of relationship. If you’re looking for people for casual or regular play, rather than a romantic relationship, it would probably help to make that clear. Non-sexual play is much more common outside romantic relationships.

  • I am a heavy Masochist and sex has no place in play for me. I do not relate the two at the same time. When i am taking a beating my mind could not be farther away. I am in it strictly for the pain and trying to reach a level of satisfaction from it. I have never had an orgasm from pain. If i am doing self serve i can use pain to intensify the orgasm. A couple hours after the play i may become aroused but never during the play.
  • It’s very rare for me to orgasm from what most people deem ‘vanilla sex’. It’s fairly common for me to orgasm from causing pain to the right kind of person, and sometimes from receiving it. So I would say that bdsm is innately sexual for me, even though I’m not always interested in fucking the people whom I do it with. But there are, of course, lots of other lovely options between vanilla and BDSM.
  • At the moment all my scenes have contained some sexual actions (doesn’t have to, but my current partners prefer that). However, I don’t always get sexual stimulation. It could at times be just a simple blow job if that is what my partner wants. The pain in the scene is generally sufficient for me to feel the same gratification as after sexual stimulation of some sort.
  • When I came out of denial in 1993 my mentor made a point of teaching me that being in the moment whatever that moment had evolved to was most important and what was or was not happening is less important than maintaining levels of self-awareness, self-respect and yes control, control over self and control over whomever you’re topping.

When I was introduced to the local public/semi-public/private but the membership-based scene in 1998 there were a handful of basic rules at all the local clubs one of which was “there is no socializing in the playroom and no play in the social area” which generally was heavily implied that IF two or more playing together wanted to have penile/vaginal, oral, anal or other more or less vanilla sex as part of their BDSM play in the dungeon play area then they needed to ask all those present if it was okay first before doing so and I was always cool with that, no problem, common sense, simple common sense.

Now, many years later, suffering from among other things three major heart conditions but more importantly Type II diabetes which has numbed all the nerves below my waist completely out which means I’m now wheelchair-bound and also for the past three years or so haven’t been able to achieve even the slightest erection which sucks, pardon the inference pun, but it could be worse and it’s not like I don’t have a varied and interesting vanilla sex life or do other activities other than straight sexual congress that are smokin’ fookin’ hot, I do, indeed I do it’s just that my cock is no longer either the front office or back office center of my sexuality and quite frankly that takes a lot of pressure off my partners especially my newer ones because they know I’m not going to try to stick it in them while they’re floating in subspace and that increases trust all the way around.

  • Literally me. I am primarily a nonsexual kinkster. I’m going to be honest with you, it’s pretty damn difficult to find a willing partner to take sex out of the equation. So many (both vanilla and kinky) equate kink with sex. But that doesn’t have to be the case.

I have found play partners that will take sex out of the equation. One was my guy friend who’s like two years older than me. That was a stroke of luck finding him. We just realized we had the same interests on the opposite side of the spectrum (me as a sub/masochist, him as a dom/sadist). The scene was focused on pain and domination. But there was absolutely nothing sexual about it. I was clothed the whole time.
There’s also another person I may be doing a scene with soon that is a year younger than me. The scene will still have sexual elements in a sense (considering I will be naked) but nothing penetrative. It’ll be more focused on fear.

High heels ball crushing CBT

So like, it’s totally possible. Just harder to find. In my experience, that is.

  • Sex and play have in my experience, always gone hand in hand…until recently. I stopped everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) for a while now and have only recently played casually with friends. I miss the connection to be honest. I miss the intimacy of sex with play. It’s not that I CAN’T play without sex (and that is not naming vanilla or non-vanilla), I just feel the connection is missing without it. My friends are great but I don’t feel comfortable playing with them with any kind of sexual component and consequently stop play prematurely. Perhaps I need to change my POV, perhaps I’ll just stay like this for now.
  • I have rape/ravishment fantasies so it feels like there’s something lacking if a dom doesn’t play with the area between my legs. Besides, it feels weord calling it vanilla if I’m always fantasizing about resisting, crying or being sore from sexual penetration. The only time I do anything completely vanilla is with casual sex partners or new people, cause they’re strangers who I don’t trust that well. If there’s pain, I’m instinctively submissive. If not, I tend to be a bossy bottom.
  • I have come from pain. I’m not allowed to have conventional sex. My sex is pain or anal but she makes that hurt as well. In fact it’s some of the more intense pain I get. Honestly, I find being a pain slut more intimate and better than conventional sex. I have no desire to change how things are.

Sir and I can easily have scenes without sex. It depends on what we are doing and what he wants to do. We have scenes where it’s about pain and sex for me is a distraction and can take me away from the rush I get from the pain.

If we don’t have sex after a scene I love it the next morning – sleepy, covered in marks and sore.

  • i enjoy s&m with no sex afterward that day more than the two together,,, as a switch i find it best with no sex as it helps keep the horny feelings in check and focus on the beautiful feelings with pain, fear,, terror and control,, but saying than the odd cum may happen after all its the one in control who is boss!
  • My boyfriend and I have actually never had sex and we both leave entirely satisfied just from him inducing pain on me.
    Another big thing we enjoy is the edging. I’m not too sure if that falls into the s&m category but he loves to do it to me and he also does it to himself. That obviously involves a bit more of a sexual aspect but it is something I personally would recommend!
    A huge turn on for my boyfriend is to do things such as whipping, pussy slapping, biting and knife play until he has me begging him to have sex with me and then denying it. It is what I consider one of the best forms of torture be can inflict on me and I love every second of it!
  • I understand though. I am a very sensual masochist. I get sexual energy and pleasure from the torments my sadist gives me (and bondage is NOT one of those, thank god, as I find bondage to be totally boring! LOL)

I engage in SM because it is fun and sexy and exciting.

I do not engage in “BDSM” because that is just a clunky acronym to try to make “everything” fit under one label. Over the years, people have started to use the term BDSM instead of SM, because it doesn’t immediately bring up visions of whips and chains, and it doesn’t sound so scary. (What’s the point of that?)

How do you meet a sadist who doesn’t want to fuck you?

There are plenty of sadists who are not looking for an easy lay. But the issues isn’t always “doesn’t WANT to fuck you” but is willing to agree to not include sex as part of the scene. There does not have to be an expectation of sex as part of the scene.

One way to help insure that, is that as you seek various partners for “casual SM pick-up play” … stick to public venues. Most public dungeons and play parties prohibit sex, so if you arrange to play only in those venues, instead of privately, you can be pretty sure that sex is not going to be involved.

  • I think it has always taken my partners by surprise when I say I am fine with giving sexual pleasure and not receiving it in return, and with just receiving pain outside of a sexual encounter. I don’t mind being beaten outside of sex, I can usually be satisfied with just the pain. The sex is always good, and I don’t mind it, but I’m not necessarily looking for it when I’m craving pain.
  • Is there such a thing as a “true” Sadist and a “true” masochist where the pain exchange takes the place of sex completely?

I’m interested in knowing if any of you out there are satisfied after a scene if there is no vanilla style sex involved?

A “true” sadist and “true” masochist? I don’t believe that’s a thing….everyone is different, having said that though I don’t do “nilla” sex, it does nothing for me and never has. Once upon a time I would feel unfulfilled if I didn’t have sex after a beating but that’s changed over time and now the pain is more important to me. I find that pain can leave me a lot more satisfied than kinky sex, it’s more of a release for me…the only downsides to that is the intense craving for more of the same which is actually kind of aggravating but if I go without for any length of time I get terribly cranky :/ that’s why I married a sadist.

  • Without being redundant about the use of absolutes in your O.P., yes- I too am a sadistic service top who does not expect “extras” post scene. Most desired situations are possible in this, a consent culture, if you express your needs clearly (negotiate), vet thoroughly and patiently, and scene in a support environment (like a public play space with Dungeon Monitoring). There’s also volunteering for demo bottoming for presentations or classes in your local or neighboring community to catch a quick safer fix. To restate, sex isn’t a bartering chip or gratuity for scenes unless you desire and consent to it. It’s your choice.
  • lots of times we never had sex and both of us really enjoyed it and were quite satisfied. people need pain for all kinds of different reasons just to get through the day, week or whatever. I remember a long time ago I had a long-distance relationship and I couldn’t get there for a month and I give her permission to go get paddled but no sex. I think it is very common
  • I do quite a bit of training for masochists, subs and D/s couples in addition to my play partners. When you say “sex” I am assuming you mean penetration. It is rare for me to have “sex” in a training session since we focus on deepening or enhancing someone’s experience. Yes there can be orgasms but from other activities. From a personal perspective, I am always focused on the person in front of me for many reasons known to most, primarily safety. That leaves little time for me to gain physical satisfaction. Fact is most of my satisfaction is derived from the physical and emotional response of the masochist or sub. It is all about control.

Much the same with my play partners but there will be more of a “sex” component if only because I can anticipate their response since we have shared experience before and have more latitude as a result.

  • I do a lot of topping and service topping, sexual interaction is rarely a feature.
    Either way it is always specifically negotiated. Sensual touching is often part but rarely ever with genitals or with orgasms as the goal.
    Generally, unless you are my lover i have absolutely no interest in your pleasure.

With the right connection, sadism on its own will get me off.
I need to bottom sometimes, sex is very far away from that headspace when i let my masochist out. I get an entirely different satisfaction from it.

Emotional SM is another thing altogether.

  • I never play sexually. My play is done with very good friends, they are doing it because they like the stuff I can do (intensity/variety), and I love what they do to me. I also love that I trust them not to take things to a sexual level (my partner watches most of the time but not as a monitor) because we are all good friends. I react to pain in a way that is not sexual, it makes me complete.
  • I started off doing bdsm, with no sex involved so as for mixing it some times it really confuses my senses, i can go into a sub zone just from impact play, and don’t need the sex, nowadays i play with certain people who incorporate it into the play in different dynamics, so as to have forced orgasms, or being told not to cum, as for that its a power exchange thing, def not a man crawling on women cumming, well i think this whole world of bdsm, is unique to each person as they explore it also they find what they like and dont like, and honestly isnt it about consent, so if you have consent to say no sex, or you consent to sex, then do sex, explore and go deeper into s and m is a wonderful adventure.
  • I was thinking further about this thread and it occurred to me that there’s also an issue around what sex, if it happens, is for. That is, for some people, bdsm is clearly just a warm-up to vanilla fucking; but for me, if I fuck after bdsm, it’s not the conclusion of the event – that’s already happened and if things have gone to plan then all parties are already satisfied – but it’s a sort of epilogue, a chance to be intimate in a more overtly affectionate way. so I think there’s a difference between bdsm intended to lead to fucking and bdsm where fucking just happens to happen afterward, like a hug or, once upon a time, a cigarette.
  • I am pretty much always satisfied after my Dom and I play, and the sexual part of our relationship really has no direct relationship to play. In other words, he can spank me in the evening before he goes to bed and we may not have intercourse at all that night, and I would not feel incomplete without it. But, he almost always gives me at least a few orgasms by direct stimulation after we play once I recover from subspace. And there are times that we will have sex without doing a scene before or after.

I am rather accustomed to him giving me orgasms at certain times, so if we play before that time I will expect to be brought to orgasm afterward. But then again we may not play at all that evening (or morning).

As for the sex itself, being that I’ve never had a vanilla relationship, it is kind of hard to quantify as to whether it is fully vanilla. But I will say that all of our intimate relations have an over-arching element of D/s and so that would probably make it non-vanilla; at least the mental aspect.

Now if I am playing with someone else (I’ve only ever bottomed to my Dom thus far) I would not want any sexual contact simply because I don’t do casual sex. I’ve topped a couple of people in the past and had no desire for sexual contact with them and I was perfectly satisfied just by topping them. And if someone other than my Dom was to top me, again, I would not want there to be a sexual element. I would enjoy it for what it was and that would be that (though I would of course welcome my Dom giving me orgasms later on).

  • Sex is not essential for most. Vanilla sex, especially, often has little to do with sadism, or masochism. Sadism and masochism meaning one finds sexual gratification in inflicting or suffering through pain. Vanilla sex after an s&m scene, is sometimes seen as the “come down” in that it is the more “human” aspect.
    My masochism is not tied to the act of sex.
    I need not both, at the same time.

Of course, there are people that only want to inflict pain or have it inflicted upon them, and that is the entirety of their sexuality. But… “true” anything is a sweeping generalization… a perceived “standard” one must meet in order to lay claim to a lable or title. You can be a “true” sadist, or masochist, aaaaaand actually like other sex acts, kinks and fetishes that don’t involve pain, either giving or receiving.

And, as for the sexless scene you seek…
I know many Sadists who play regularly, with different bottoms/masochists, and never have, or want, sex with them.
Are you active in your lical community? Oftentimes, you’ll be made aware of events, clubs or parties that reputable Sadists regularly attend /host, and once you’ve gained the trust and respect of, and built a connection with said Sadists, there will be someone willing to negotiate such a scene with you.

  • I’ve never have straight sex with my subs. At the most, I will let them bring me to orgasm orally, but even this is restricted – usually to an anal tongue fuck. I can’t seem to get into it any other way.
    Straight sex and sadism to me do not go together.
    Not sure what normal is, but that’s normal for me.
  • This thread makes me feel very happy. I was afraid I was weird for enjoying sadism seperatly from sex. I’m not even sure the pleasure I get from it is sexual, so I’m not even sure it’s a kink in the traditional sense. I was worried that might mean I wouldn’t be accepted here… ^^’ I’m glad there’s other people like me.

Touch women in latex holding a crop

I don’t think a ‘true’ anything exists, if you are talking about how people identify. That creates too many restrictions and you can’t put people into little boxes that perfectly describe them.

And YES I love pain without sex. Actually, I’m having a difficult time communicating that to my partner. He sees sadism and masochism as having a direct relationship with sex. I wish he saw them separately.

  • When contacting guys for visits to my basement there is a clear statement that there is no oral or anal sex, fucking, or sucking. There may be some masturbatory activity, edging and some anal play, butt plugs. But play most involves impact play, sensation play, bondage. All quite satisfying.
  • I have it in my profile. That intercourse sex or penetration of any kind is not what i am looking for. And the few meets I have had. I have not had penetration sex of any kind. But, as billsbasement has implied. yes, I have had edging, spankings, CBT. And the few I have met understand that. Even with a few. They have not even gotten undressed themselves. They stay clothe.
  • I’ve had sex with a person I’ve ‘tortured’ but I’ve also not. Both ways were excellent. That said I’m a switch and had the most delicious scene with a fellow switch. We had not discussed doing this scene at this moment (we had discussed it for at some point). There was passionate kissing, his hand strayed to my throat and I nodded my consent and spoke his dominant name. He did many things to me but we didn’t have sex yet I came hard. My head went to the best place that day
  • Sessions that don’t lead to sex are fine.
    But, that needs to be said beforehand.
    Getting into certain frames of mind requires preparation and some advanced notice.
    Mixing S&M sessions with sex is commonplace for me, so is not mixing sex with S&M.
    Really depends on the mood I’m in, and what chemistry is going on at the time.

Generally, though… Sessions not involving sex on an ongoing basis would be frustrating, and likely lead to loss in interest.
I suppose, though, I could just have vanilla sex with a partner, and separate out the S&M entirely with other people. But, that’d be cutting out a huge part of the excitement in sadism. For me, anyways.

Maybe I’m weird, but… I like to mix dominance in with sadism.
That usually takes form during sexual acts, alongside the sadistic play.

  1. “Is there such a thing as a “true” Sadist and a “true” masochist”
    No. simply put the term or use of the word “true” has been overly used for nearly two decades now.
  2. “any satisfied after a scene if there is no vanilla style sex involved?”

My reply may come off as flip but that’s up to the reader to determine. It is NOT meant to BUT being matter of factly can be interpreted this way.
With that, here goes.
First off, we have to agree just what exactly “sex” is or means here. I only bring this into point b/c the word “sex” was redefined back before some were even born or too young to understand it. Up to that point in time it had a definite meaning, intercourse/fucking.

It’s also difficult to just say yes or no given my history and especially how SM has been changed so. Not the obvious basics but the “rules” people have placed on SM.
I also look at the question from several perspectives.
That of a staff top.
A single male attending a party/club/event involving pick up play or play date.
A master and sub/slave relationship.
Also playing in private or public.

If the question is in the context of sex, meaning intercourse aka fucking, then I can’t truly answer due to the use of the word [va]nilla. Even with a nilla lover, fucking is not “nilla style”. There is always some aspect of the lifestyle involved IE d/s (which I understand is not as aspect of the group) but it IS applicable.

If the question termed, not fucking after a scene, it depends on who I was playing with.

Should my “partner” (for simplicity sakes) be mine, then yes, our scene/play would end with a good ol’ romp. That is what is hopefully going to be the peak of our playing together. This includes both private or public (back in the day). Play partners are different and usually don’t involve any sexual activity. A term I recently learned, “pick up play” is much the same as with play partners or those I’m “topping”. Basically scening/playing for the enjoyment of it.

Now the flip side, IE sex in the context or meaning as what we called “petting” or foreplay, or perhaps mutual masturbation or her riding the edge, being teased with delay or denial and even oral, the same rules wont necessarily apply. And again, is my partner “mine” or a play date for the eve or just met at the “event”?

Going full circle back to the question, there was a time at public venues, when partners, even those who were fluid bonded couldn’t do anything sexual with their “partner” unless a barrier was used, be it a condom, glove or dental damn. Intercourse, fingering or jacking off a male partner was not allowed. Many of us at that time just said okay, we wont do it AT the party/event and opt to wait til we got home or hotel room. So the answer is, sure. It can be a fun scene BUT wont be satiated fully at the event. Which is odd since “some seminars” were taught based on [BD]SM being all about, and I quote,
“getting your cock hard and your pussy wet” (Credit Elizabeth of Differences)

With current circumstances, to attend a party or play privately WITH a play date, that is also new to me and not fuck, the possibility to be satiated after the scene is pretty good.
Provided it was negotiated and understandings set in advance.
I can recall the days when SM was [at that time] better than sex.

  • What I love most about living a BDSM lifestyle is that it gives us many more options for human interaction between fucking and not fucking.

In vanilla dating sex is most often the end result of the mating process. And once you’ve had it a few times with each other, it gets very boring and predictable. And then what?

My S&M interactions with people are far more interesting and exciting sensation-wise than sex most of the time. If I had to choose between S&M play with no sex involved, or sex with no S&M activities, I will take the S&M with no sex. No hesitation.

I personally view S&M play as a warped kind of erotic dance, or maybe a more advanced kind of foreplay/make-out session. You can enjoy the S&M dance or making out without necessarily having to have sex afterwards to be satisfied with the experience.

However, that being said, there’s nothing better than when it all comes together. My favorite date night is getting all dressed up and going to dinner, then going to a dungeon or party for S&M play, then going home or to a hotel after for sex/aftercare/cuddling/etc. When the click is right, and I’m with a loving and caring partner, putting it all together in this manner is epic. Nothing else in life even comes close to the awesome that is an exciting S&M scene followed by great sex.

But in the meantime, you’ll find me at the local dungeon S&M playing with no sex. Because that’s where all the most interesting people dwell, imho. 🙂